Baby Doll
by xXCarlaLouiseXx
Summary: The students of South Park are learning about parenting again. This time, however, there are no eggs.
1. Parenting

**A/N: This fanfic was partly inspired by 'Follow that egg'. But the main inspiration came from one of my favourite episodes of The suite life of Zack and Cody, where London and Maddie had to look after a doll that cried and peed, I think they got into a fight or something and ended up accidentally throwing it out of a window on like one of the top floors of the hotel. It was funny 'cause when they returned it, the doll was litterally in pieces, and they'd failed epically at trying to stick it back together with duct tape. I think that in this kind of situation -if you put the right people into the partnerships- you can really have some great tension and drama. Onwards with the story...**

**Disclaimer: I don't own South Park but... **

**...THE GAME! Ha! Bet you didn't see that one coming, you all just lost lol.**

The pupils of South Park High took their seats, anxiously and in some cases schemingly talking amongst themselves about who thier new home room teacher was going to be. Due to the lack of staff at the school -this is South Park afterall- this teacher would teach all of their lessons except for PE and music. The old teacher was now in a mental hospital in the room next to supernanny, yes it was Cartman related. In fact they now had a seperate ward, of about twenty patients, just for people who were driven to the point of insanity by Cartman.

As the door open to reveal their new teacher a collective groan off annoyance rang through the classroom. "Yes, that's right, I'm back" Mr Garisson said, strolling into the room carrying a large cardboard box with him and placing it on the desk. "And if you've got a problem with it don't go complaining to your principal 'cause she just doesn't give a fuck." He took the register quickly since he knew the teens already so he didn't really need to ask if anyone's absent. Then he picked up a piece of chalk and began scraping down a word on the board, the students winced at the noise, when he finally finished writing he stepped away from the board to reveal the word 'parenting'.

A sixteen year old Stan sighed "Mr Garisson, didn't we already do this with eggs?"

"Yes Stanley" Mr Garisson huffed. "But now that you're all older you're supposed to be mature enough to handle these." He reached into the box and pulled out a lifesized doll version of a baby dressed in a diaper, the doll had an panel on its back with a speaker.

"What's that for?" Kyle asked, pointing at the speaker.

"This..." Mr Garisson explained "...is what will provide a crying noise, if your child starts to cry you may need to feed it, change it or cuddle it, it might not stop crying but the aim is to stay as calm as possible and work through it together like real parents have to. There is also a microphone somewhere on the doll but I'm not telling you where because there was an incident last year where pupils tried to gauge out the microphones using spoons and the school had to pay to have them replaced. The microphones will not be on at all times, they will automatically switch on when the baby starts crying. At the end of each week I will listen to the recordings to see how you coped under pressure. The recordings along with the state the doll comes back in will determine your grades. Any questions?"

"Do we get to chose our partners?" Wendy questioned.

Mr Garisson looked kind of guilty "No" he pulled a list out of his pocket. "I made a bet with one of the other homeroom teachers that I could put any people in this class together and they would still get better grades than his class, so I have to use the partners written down on this list."

Stan pinched the bridge of his nose "I don't like where this is going."

Mr Garisson pulled a board across from the side of the classroom and turned it to reveal a chart with the partners listed down the side and weeks listed along the top "I will be checking the dolls every week and I will know if you've tried to swap them -Eric- and since there are more boys in this class than girls there will be four faggy couples. You may now move to sit with your partners."

The students shuffled to their different seats reluctantly "Mr Garisson did you have to put me with this bitch?" Cartman protested.

"I agree, I can't work with this guy, he's an idiot" Cartman's partner Wendy added.

"I'm sorry but I know from expirience that Stan is a terrible parent" Bebe glared at the raven haired boy sat next to her.

"No I'm not" Stan defended. "I was just too busy being angry with Kyle that time with the eggs."

"Yeah and I can't be in a couple with Tweek" Craig chimed in. "I mean he's my friend and all but I just can't put up with him every single day for that long."

"I can't -GAH- I can't have a child with Craig! It's too much pressure!" Tweek yelled, gabbing a fistfull of his hair.

"You put me with Kenny?" Kyle questioned. "You seriously paired _me_ with _Kenny_?" he repeated.

"Hey! What's so bad about me?" Kenny protested.

"You couldn't give a crap, that's what's wrong with you. I'm gonna have to do all the work because I can't trust you, you'd probably drop the thing and break it or something" Kyle pointed out.

"Three words" Damien spoke out. "No fucking way."

"Oh c'mon old chap" Pip encouraged. "It cannot possibly be that bad, every cloud has a silver lining, chin up and what not."

"My dad will do more than just sue and you know it" Damien growled.

"Oui, I agree with zee ozers" Christophe nodded. "I cannot take care of a babee, I ave important stuff to do."

"Me too" Gregory stated.

Mr Garisson snapped "Look! My car is on the line here, and I like my car, so you better shut up and work with the person you were put with! The only couple who hasn't complained so far is Butters and Red-"

Red raised her hand "Actually sir I-"

"I don't want to hear it" Mr garisson cut in "Just look at yourselves! Not that I care -'cause quite frankly I don't give a rats ass what problems you're going through- but in fourth grade you used to come up against a new problem every week and you never once backed away from them, despite the fact that you always wanted to. If you could do that then you can damn well fucking do this!" He calmed down slightly and started handing out dolls "I'm handing out slips of paper with the dolls, on the paper you will put both of the parents names and you get to name your child."

Mr Garisson handed the first doll to Wendy along with the slip off paper, the raven haired girl glared at the doll, it had brown eyes and black hair. _Typical! _Wendy thought to herself, _It had to be a dude!_ She placed the doll on her desk and picked up her pen, scribbling both her and Cartman's names down neatly.

Cartman opened his mouth ready to suggest a name but Wendy cut him off "We are not naming our child Hitler!" He paused to think for a second and went to speak again but Wendy interrupted a second time "Or Mel Gibson, or any other one of your idols' names."

Cartman huffed "Fine!" They paused to think, both of them sat with their arms crossed and slightly turned away from eachother, Cartman let his posture relax slightly "What about Jack?"

Those three simple words put together really struck a cord within Wendy and she found herself temporarily forgeting her frustration. She felt a sharp tinge of... well, she didn't really know what it was. Everything about the situation told her it was sadness, that she must just feel sorry for him, but Wendy knew -though she would never admit it- that it was something... more. She suddenly felt cold, but she soon realized that this wasn't an outer cold, It was deep within her, as if her very core had been frozen. Three words _What about Jack? _They shouldn't really have this much of an efect on her but Wendy knew what that name meant to the brunette sat next to her, it was the name of his dead father, it was rare moments like this that made the girl think that maybe Cartman wasn't so bad after all and maybe his hostility was just a sheild.

Wendy quickly jotted the name down, not wanting to ruin this irregular moment of peace between the two of them by talking.

...

"Eeet ees an ugly thing isn't eet?" Christophe commented as he dangled the brown haired, blue eyed doll in front of him by its foot. " 'Onestly, I do not know what posseses people to 'ave keeds. Zey always look like aliens to me wiz their freakeesh bug eyes and tinee 'ands and feet. Zey also poop evereewhere, why don't zey just get a dog or something?"

Gregory sighed "Christophe, your terrible parenting skills do not surprise me at all" He said in an unimpresed tone. "If that was a real child she would have thrown up by now with you holding her like that." Christophe put the doll down on the desk. "What are we going to name the child anyway?"

"Adrienne" Christophe replied, without even thinking about it. Gregory gave him a questioning look "What?" Christophe shrugged. "Eet ees french, plus I promeesed my beetch of a mozer that if I ever 'ad a child, I would name it eizer Adrienne or Pierre."

"Let's hope for your possible future child's sake that you have a daughter then" Gregory comented as he wrote on the slip of paper.

...

Craig sighed as he stared at the doll on the edge of Tweek's desk, it had black hair like Craig but its eyes were leaf green like Tweek's. Something about the fact that its appearence was oddly what their child would actually look like made Craig's lips involuntarily twitch up at the corners slightly in an almost non-existant ghost of a smile. He momentarily wondered why but then brushed the thought aside as he realised something. "What is it anyway?"

"Uh..." Tweek answered with a thoughtfull tilt of his head. "I th-think... I think it's a girl."

"Great" Craig sighed. "Just perfect. Because the fact that we're already fags is just not fucking poofy enough." Tweek blushed furiously and his eye twiched nervously at that statement. "I-I-I meant in the project I mean we-we're not really a gay couple" the raven haired boy pointed out, mentally kicking himself for the out of character stammering _What the fuck is wrong with me? _he thought.

"Of c-course we're -GAH- not" Tweek and Craig chuckled slightly at the thought, but then the laughter suddenly died out and was consumed by an awkard silence as the two boys stared at eachother. Tweek coughed to break the silence, both of them looking away suddenly "So... uh what... what should we call her?" he asked to changed the subject.

Craig was looking down at his desk, twiddiling his thumbs absent mindedly "I don't know, something normal and short. You know, not too complicated to say and not weird names like everyone seems to be using now. It's like 'Our child isn't unique enough. I know! Let's name it after a fucking fruit or something.' I mean why the fuck would you do that? Isn't the poor thing gonna be ripped on enough already? And that's another thing, I really don't understand it when hippies name their children stuff like river or sunshine. We get it already! You like nature! Why don't you just go hug a tree or something? Oh and don't even get me started abou-" Craig stopped himself half way through his rant causing Tweek to look up at him just to check he was still alive. "I was starting to babble wasn't I?"

"Yeah you were" Tweek confirmed.

"I think I'm spending too much time with you" he chuckled. "Soon I'll be drinking coffee obsesively and jumping at the sight of my own shadow."

"But I swear it -ACK!- it's conspiring against me!" Tweek yelled.

"No it isn't Tweek, shadows are supposed to follow you, it's just were you block out the light. Besides you haven't got much of a threatening shadow anyway, I mean look at how scrawny you are."

They both sat in silence for a few more minutes until Tweek suddenly blurted out "Emma is four letters."

"Very observant Tweek" Craig replied sarcastically. The blonde tried to glare at him but his eye started twitching, which just made the raven haired boy laugh "Ok, Emma it is."

...

By the time everyone had named their dolls and Mr Garisson had given them everything they would need including prams, bottles and other such things, the bell had rang for the next lesson. The teens were all feeling strangely optimistic about their project. It was just a couple of weeks looking after a child shaped lump of plastic.

It couldn't be that difficult... right?

**A/N: Wrong! Of course it's going to be difficult *evil laugh* I'm not going to let them get away with it that easy. There's going to be drama, drama and, oh would you look at that? It's some more drama! He he I like messing them up and making them have to rebuild their lives. I'm so evil lol. But if it was all easy and they all fell in love and skipped hand in hand through a feild of daisies it wouldn't be that interesting would it? Oh and I know the Butters being partnered with Red thing is weird but I just find it funny that their couple name would be bed, I'm odd like that... Yeah, I'm going to stop talking now so you can all go and get on with your day without my annoying rambling. I mean I just go on and on and on and on and on and on and on an...**

**Lol, sorry I'm in a weird mood. **


	2. This is not going to be easy

**A/N: This chapter is kind off short but I have a habbit of rushing through my stories sometimes, so I decided to put this chapter in so that I don't just jump from one part to the next. **

The teens were still feeling quietly confident about the project by the time lunch came around. "Dudes this parenting thing is gonna be so easy" Kenny said as he took his usual seat at the end of the table next to Cartman.

Kyle glared at him "Yeah for you, I'm going to have to do all the work I can tell."

"C'mon Kyle, it's just a stupid doll, it can't be that-" Kenny stopped talking when Clyde and Token walked up to the table looking like they had just seen a ghost, Clyde - for some unexplainable reason- was carrying a shoebox, they both stared at the box once they had sat down.

"Oh dude we are so dead" Clyde stated, burrying his head in his hands.

Token shot him a weird look "What do you mean 'we'?"

"Token, dude, it was your fault too don't act like you weren't a part of it."

"Hey, it's your doll therefore it's not my problem" he pointed out.

Clyde groaned "It was going so well, this is the last day, I thought it would be ok. I've gotta give the thing back today. What am I going to say?... Oh my god Heidi is going to murder me!"

"What's wrong?" Stan asked.

"Yeah and why are you staring at that shoebox like that?" Kyle added.

"OH JESUS!" Tweek yelled. "What if they murdered someone and they put the head in the box? What if I'm next? -GAH!- Please don't hurt me, I won't tell anyone. Or what if it's a different thing all together?... IT COULD BE A BOMB! OH MY GOD! WE'RE ALL GONNA DIE! I GOTTA GET OUT OF HERE! I GOTTA RUN! I NEED TO FIND-"

"TWEEK!" Craig shouted, grabbing his shoulders and shaking him slightly "We are not going to die, it's not a bomb. Clyde is too stupid to make a bomb and Token is not stupid enough to try it."

Tweek relaxed slightly "I-I guess your right."

The two were in a world of their own for a few minutes, just staring at eachother. It wasn't until Cartman broke the silence with a shout of "HA! FAGS!" that Craig realised he was still holding Tweek, not only that, he had also started smoothing his thumbs over the blonde's trembling shoulders as a way of comforting him. Both boys turned bright crimson as Craig quickly pulled his hands away from Tweek.

"I was just trying to calm him down asshole!" Craig snapped.

"You were caressing him dude! I don't know about the rest of you but to me that translates as gay" Cartman sniggered. "You guys are fucking fags Craig."

Unfortunately for Cartman, Wendy was walking past at that moment and happened to catch what he had just said. "That is why you're not having anything to do with this project" she huffed.

"Why the fuck not bitch? I was just tellin' it like it is" he defended.

"Because you're an insensitive asshole, that's why" she replied, storming off to the girls' table.

"The fuck is her problem?" Cartman mumbled to himself.

"She has a point Cartman" Stan stated.

"You can't talk, Bebe isn't going to let you get anywhere near that doll" the brunette informed him.

"Yeah she is" Stan argued.

"Last time we did this you let your dog eat the egg!"

"Yeah well you sat on yours and killed it with your big, fat ass!"

"Look, just look at her, she's staring you down right now you stupid hippie."

Stan glanced over at the other table to see that Cartman was right, the blonde was glaring at him, her chocolate brown eyes full of anger as she ignored the other girls' conversations in order to let Stan know how much she hated being his partner. If looks could kill Stan's head would have exploded by now. The raven haired boy sighed, in all truth Stan had high hopes for this project. Ever since that time in forth grade when Bebe had been the first girl in class to get boobs he had harboured a secret crush on the girl. This had been what utimately ended his and Wendy's relationship when they started their second year of High School, Stan had thought his feelings would fade away over the summer, and they had slightly. However when they all met up again in September it started all over again.

Over the summer Bebe had left that awkward, early teens stage behind completely. Thanks to the braces she had to wear for two years, her teeth were now perfectly straight and white, everytime she smiled it made Stan's heart soar. Her hair had gone from being a frizzy, tangled mess to glossy, smooth waves that cascaded down past her shoulders to rest just above her waist. Finally her complexion had cleared up, causing her to have amazingly skin. All of these factors had only caused Stan to like her more, but unfortunately the feeling didn't appear to be mutual. He had hoped that this project would be a way that he could show her he had changed but it didn't look like she was even going to give him a chance.

He was pulled out of his thoughts when Kyle said "Hey we still haven't found out what's in the box yet."

"You don't wanna know" Clyde replied. "It will only freak you guys out about the next four weeks of hell you have to endure."

"What are you talking about?" Kenny asked with a confused look.

"Ugh it was all going so well" Clyde groaned, banging his head on the table.

"Token will you just tell us what the fuck is wrong with him?" Craig demanded.

Token sighed "There was kind of a-"

Clyde cut him off "I worked so hard to look after that stupid fucking doll! It's so unfair! I survived through the nightmare that was the first two weeks, it was starting to get easier and everything. Then this morning at my locker the thing started crying, seriously you do not know how annoying that sound is."

"I offered to help but Clyde was being a stubborn idiot and decided to try and snatch the doll back out of my hands" Token added.

"I never interfered with your project Token" Clyde snapped at him frustratedly.

"I was only trying to help!" Token retorted. "Anyway so both of us lost grip on the thing and it kind of flew out of our hands and bounced down two flights of stairs."

Clyde opened the box and lifted the doll out by it's head, the wires hangning out of it's neck were the only thing keeping the head attached to the torso, the dolls limbs had fallen off completely and were now lying seperately in the box. The rest of the gang's eyes widdened as they leaned forwards for a better look, a spark flew out of the neck causing Clyde to yelp in pain and drop the doll back into the box. "Fuck" he winced. "That hurt."

"I'm suddenly not feeling so good about this project" Kyle admitted, which was met with a nod of agreement from most of the others.

Kenny attempted to encourage them "C'mon you guys! We haven't even started yet, it can't be that hard, Clyde's just... retarded." Clyde didn't even bother to argue because it would have been eight opinions against one. Token, however, scoffed at Kenny's statement. "What's so funny?" Kenny asked.

"If you guys think this is going to be an easy A then you're seriously mistaken" Token replied. "When those things cry it's like a fire alarm or something. It's the most annoying sound in the world, my ears are still ringing from it." The boys still looked at him as if they thought he was overexaggerating. "Fine, if you don't believe me then look at Annie over there."

The boys all glanced over at the girls' table again to see Annie Polk sleeping. But that wasn't the worst of it, she was asleep with her face down and pressing into her dinner, which happened to be lasagne. Bebe tentatively shook Annie's shoulder, causing her to sit bolt upright with cheese and sauce smeered across her face and bits of pasta weaved in her hair. "She hasn't had a full night's sleep since the whole thing started" Token pointed out.

"Now who's got it worse huh?" Cartman gloated. "Those of us with girls as partners are lucky, they insist on doing all the work themselves. Therefore we will all be stress free and the rest of you losers are gonna be fucking dead by the end of this."

"Shut up fatass!" Kyle exclaimed. "It's not going to be that bad!"

"Oh Kyle, you poor, delusional Jew" Cartman chuckled. "It's gonna be even worse for you because you have Kenny as a partner."

For once Kyle couldn't comment because -eventhough he would never admit it- he knew that Eric was right, this wasn't going to be easy for the boys. For a start parenting didn't come naturally to the boys of South Park, if there was a girl there at least they would know what to do so that they could help. But giving the task of looking after a child to two guys who couldn't be bothered to change the batteries in a TV remote let alone changing a screaming baby's diaper was practically setting them up for a fail.

Now they really didn't feel so optimistic.


	3. Bad Romance

**A/N: I really enjoyed writting this chapter, it was a lot of fun lol. I had to bring Lady Ga Ga into it AGAIN though sorry. I tell you what right (I appologise for my welshisms there) I think I've mentioned her in nearly every strory I've written, it's like "We know! You like her music! Get over it already!". So I appologize for that and I will try not to do that from now on. **

**...Bebe's house...**

"I've changed my mind" was Bebe's alternative to 'hi' as she opened her door to see a hopefull looking Stan on her doorstep.

Stan's face suddenly dropped "What? Why?"

"I need to do this alone" the stubborn blonde stated, flicking her hair behind her shoulders as she rested the doll on her hip like it was a real baby.

"No you don't" Stan argued. "C'mon, you've had that thing for four days, we've got to hand it in tomorrow for Mr Garrison's stupid weekly check up thing. I want a turn of looking after it for once."

Bebe paused for a second to consider, then reluctantly held the doll out in front of Stan. "Here" she sighed but as soon as Stan placed his hands on the waist of the doll her grip tightened.

"Bebe, let go!" Stan laughed, thinking that she was just messing with him. The blonde girl tugged on the doll's limbs to try and free it from Stan's grasp, but unfortunately he was too strong for her and she just ended up dragging him into her house as the door slammed shut behind him. The black haired boy shot her a weird look attempting to pull the doll away from her but she didn't losen her grip at all "Seriously Bebe let go of the doll."

She glared at Stan and yanked the doll back towards her "I've changed my mind... again" she declared. "You can't have her!"

"Why not?" Stan asked, trying to gain dominance once more. "I'm not an eight year old kid any more Bebe."

"Yeah but you still act like one" Bebe snapped still struggling to remove the doll -which Bebe had named Louise by the way- out of her partner's hands.

"You're being pathetic" Stan pointed out.

"Look who's talking" Bebe retorted.

It soon turned into a game of tug-of-war between the two as they both fought to get the upper hand. They soon found themselves stumbling into Bebe's living room, both teens glaring at eachother as Stan tried to avoid tripping over the furniture. "Let go of her!" Stan shouted.

"You let go of her!" Bebe argued.

With one last surge of strength Bebe spun with the doll causing Stan to go flying into her couch and flip over the top of it. Landing on the floor behind it with a loud crash "Ha!" Bebe taunted triumphantly. However her face instantly dropped when Stan stood up from behind the couch blinking in bewilderment as he still clutched the doll's waist in his hands. Bebe looked down in horror to see that she was holding a plastic arm in one hand and a plastic leg in the other, whilst Stan was holdig a doll with only one arm and leg. They both looked up slowly, meeting each others wide eyed expressions "That was your fault" they both chorused.

"What? No way!" Stan defended. "You were the one who wouldn't let go!"

"LOOK!" Bebe snapped, pointing at Stan angrily. "You started this! So you are going to have to explain to Mr Garrison why Louise is now an amputee! I am not failing this project because of you!" she growled. "Understand?" The raven haired boy just stared at her for a few seconds, then the edges of his lips started to twitch upwards. He finally cracked, bursting into a fit of laughter "WHAT?" Bebe yelled. "WHAT THE FUCK COULD YOU POSSIBLY FIND FUNNY ABOUT THIS SITUATION?"

Stan doubled over, laughing so hard that tears were coming out of his eyes. Unable to speak, Stan lifted his hand to point at Bebe, then went back to holding his ribs again as he chuckled uncontrolably. Bebe furrowed her brow in frustration at Stan's immaturity but then she saw what she was doing. Her outstretched hand was holding the plastic arm as she had been shouting at Stan and her other hand, which was still clutching the leg, was placed on her hip. She suddenly realised that she must have looked like a mad woman, acting all serious while she agrily waved a tiny doll's arm in his face.

It took about three senconds for all of this to register to Bebe but as soon as it did her resolve was ruined and she also collapsed in a sudden outburst of giggles.

**...Tweek's house...**

"Tweek, c'mon" Craig said through the letter box. "I'm not an axe weilding maniac, now open the door."

A few seconds later a shaky voice came through the door "H-how can I know for sure?"

"Because..." Craig sighed, Tweek could tell that he was rolling his eyes even from the other side of the door. "...if I was I wouldn't wait for you to open the door. I would probably just tear it down with my axe and be done with it!" Craig heared a loud shriek from inside the house, great, now he would have to spend an hour convincing Tweek that no one was going to kill him with an axe. "Tweek this is stupid, I know you recognise my voice, just let me in before I freeze to death and you have to explain to my parents why I'm a living ice cube." That did it, he knew that the thought of talking to anyone's parents -even his own- was too much pressure for the twitchy, paranoid blonde.

He heard an insane amount of locks being undone on the other side of the door before it swung open to reveal Tweek, shaking like a leaf and holding the doll out in front of him. "Oh I see" Craig smirked. "If there was a murderer your plan would be to throw your kid to him first so you could make a quick getaway, very selfless and heroic Tweek."

"C-Craig!" Tweek yelled, ignoring what the raven haired guy had just said and the fact that he was still holding the doll and throwing his arms around him. "Thank God you're -gah- here! My mom and dad are at work and I hate being here by myself."

"I know Tweekers" Craig replied slinging his own arms around Tweek's shoulders. "In fact I think the whole neighbourhood knows! I could hear you screaming from miles away, what scared you so much?"

"Next door's cat, it-t just lept at me like... like a vicious tiger or something" the blonde squeaked. "But luckily it didn't get me, it just sort of bounced off the kitchen window."

Craig couldn't help but laugh at that, sometimes Tweek sounded sooo funny, mainly when he tried to sound normal because the shakiness and slightly high pitch of his voice totally betrayed him. It was things like this that really made Tweek the quirky person he was, as opposed to Craig's sheer normalness. They were a pretty odd mix to be honest and it surprised a lot of people that they even hung out together after that nasty fight they had in third grade but Craig didn't care what other people thought. In fact it was the fight that brought them together, when the were stuck in the hospital together they had no choice but to talk to eachother. At first it was just out of boredom because there wasn't much else they could do, but after a while they actually started to enjoy eachother's company and soon they became almost inseperable.

Craig didn't care that a plastic arm was digging into his back, his only concern was for the trembling mess that was clinging to him. The blonde burried his head in Craig's chest and he suddenly noticed an odd scent... it was Tweek. The blonde smelled like cinnamon, which was odd because usually the strong aroma of coffee clung to him. Before Craig realised what he was doing he inhaled the fragrance, taking in as much of it as he could. Tweek broke the hug, attempting to quirk an eyebrow at his best friend but failing due to his nervous twitches "Why... why are you -ack!- smelling my hair?" he questioned.

"Um..." Craig replied dumbly. It was a good question, why the hell was he sniffing Tweek's hair? "Why do you smell like cinnamon?" he asked, feigning curiosity.

"I'm helping my dad" Tweek explained. "He's trying to come up with some new coffee flavours."

"I like it" Craig blurted before he could stop himself. "I mean it smells like it would... taste good?" Then he quickly added "The coffee not your hair." Oh my god, Craig could have kicked himself for that! How come all of a sudden this twitchy little blonde kid could reduce him to an awkward stammering mess? Tweek blushed furiously, which Craig actually found kind of ... cute. Wait, what? No, not cute! Craig Tucker definitely didn't find anything cute, it was more... adorable - godammit!. Craig let out a groan of frustration and did the only thing he could think of, which was bolting out of the door and sprinting as fast as his feet could carry him.

To his dismay he soon realised that Tweek was right next to him, running just as fast as he was. "Oh Jesus!" Tweek screeched, turning his head to look at Craig. "What is it? What are we running from? There's a ghost in my house isn't there! I knew there was somethi-" Tweek was cut off and there was a loud crunching noise as he ran smack into a lamp post and tumbled backwards. Craig halted in his tracks and ran back to help his friend, who was now lying in the snow, crying and clutching his nose as blood poured out of it.

"TWEEK! ARE YOU OK?" Craig panicked, which was probably for the first time in his life.

"... I... GAH!... broke my ...nose!" Tweek replied between sobs.

Acting on instinct Craig gathered Tweek up in his arms and practically carried him back to his house. As Craig had expected, the front door was still wide open. The blonde had obviously freaked out when Craig suddenly darted out of the house and rushed after him without pausing to think. Craig placed Tweek on the sofa and went looking for the first aid kit, he also picked up Tweek's thermos just in case. Kneeling down in front of the blonde, Craig handed Tweek his thermos. "Try and stay still" he instructed, preparing to wipe up the blood.

Before he could do anything Tweek grabbed his arm "It's g-going to hurt isn't it?" he whimpered.

"Yeah, it probably will" Craig nodded, not wanting to lie to him. "But I have to do this or it won't get better. I would take you to the hospital but I know you don't like it there."

"The nurses always look like they want to kill me!" Tweek defended. "And all those sick people... what if they give me some sort of hideous disease?"

"You already have one Tweek, it's called stupidity" Craig deadpanned _'...and he probably caught it from me' _he added to himself.

"Oh jesus!" Tweek wailed.

Craig sighed "That's why I'm doing this instead ok?" The blonde reluctantly nodded. In all fairness Tweek was quite brave when Craig was fixing his nose up, he only winced a few times. The only reason why Craig knew how to do this was because he took a first aid training course over the summer so that he could fix himself up after fights and so that he could take care of Tweek, as he mentioned earlier Tweek was terrified of hospitals.

"Thanks Craig" Tweek said, pulling Craig into a hug.

"That's ok" Craig replied, breaking the hug to go pick the doll up off the floor.

"Why did you just run away like that?" Tweek asked, sounding a little sad and confused.

"I'm sorry" the raven haired boy appologized. "I don't know... I needed to think and I really didn't expect you to follow me, but it's obvious that it was the wrong way to go about things, I won't do it again I promise." If Craig couldn't run away from his feelings then he guessed he would just have to ignore them from now on.

"Ok" Tweek nodded.

Craig slumped down on the couch next to his blonde friend and began turning the doll in his hands to check for any damage from where Tweek dropped it on it's head. "If this was a real kid it would now grow up to be retarded" the raven haired boy stated, followed by a few anxious noises from his best friend.

After a while he just started staring at Tweek, then back at the child again, observing their similarities. In a way Craig didn't need to do this project, he already knew how to look after a scared, shaky, dependent little person - well, more little than him anyway.

**...****Kyle's house...**

Kyle and Kenny were feeling so lucky, unlike the others their doll Paige hadn't cried once yet, but they couldn't help the anxiousness that came with the fact that she couldn't stay quiet much longer. Kenny was on Kyle's computer whilst Kyle was sprawled out on his bed with his new book, Paige was in the pram that Mr Garisson had supplied them with. She was named Paige because Kenny had come up with it whilst staring at a blank sheet of paper on his desk, when Kyle had comented on the lack of originality the blonde simply shruged and replied 'It's either that or Pencil'. The doll had green eyes and sandy blonde hair.

"Oh my god" Kenny suddenly laughed.

"What?" Kyle asked, looking over the top of his book.

"Dude they've made groups for you and Cartman on facebook" Kenny answered.

"Seriously?" the red head questioned, jumping off his bed to look at the screen.

"Yeah yours is called 'Team Jewfro' and his is called 'Team Fatass', that's fucking hilarious" Kenny chuckled.

Kyle punched the blonde on the shoulder "Don't swear in front of the baby! - Wait, Jewfro?"

"Kyle it's not crying, the microphone isn't switched on" Kenny pointed out. "And you have to admit you do have a Jewfro dude."

Kyle ignored the comment about his hair "You are going to be such an excellent father, especially when it comes to teaching your child how to speak" he said sarcastically. "So who the hell has such a boring life that they need to go creating groups like that anyway?"

"Uh..." Kenny peered at the screen. "... Clyde."

"So are you actually gonna join one of them?" he questioned.

"Already did."

"Which one?" the redhead asked.

Kenny turned his head to the side so that he was looking straight into the emerald eyes of his best friend, who was leaning on the back of the comupter chair and peering over the blonde's shoulder. Kyle suddenly froze with nerves _Why is he looking at me like that? What did I say? _he wondered. _I was only asking a simple question. Why the hell is he reacting this way?_ Kenny's lips twisted up into a smirk "Yours" he said, turning back to look at the screen. Kyle let out a sigh of relief, for a second there it looked like Kenny was gonna-

"WAAAHHH!" the doll suddenly screeched into life, filling the room with a noise similar in pitch to a car alarm.

"OH NO! DID I BURN SOMETHING AGAIN?" Kyle heared his mom cry from downstairs.

He stuck his head out through the door "NO MOM, IT'S JUST THE BABY!" he called.

"OH, WELL TRY AND KEEP IT DOWN OK?" she requested.

"OK" he answered.

When Kyle turned to face Kenny again he was met with an unusual sight. Kenny had Paige in his arms gently rocking her and even more weirdly... he was singing to her! Kyle just stood there staring at them for several moments, thinking about how incredibly cute Kenny was being. He had a look of complete affection while he was cradling the doll in his arms, as if it was a real baby. It was so adorable... until he heard what Kenny was singing "...Stop calling! stop calling! I don't wanna think anymore. I left my head and my heart on the dancefloor. Eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh. Stop telephoning me, eh, eh, eh, eh-"

"Lady ga ga? Your seriously singing Lady ga ga to our daughter?" Kyle asked, quirking a brow.

"What's wrong with Lady ga ga?" Kenny inquired with a grin.

"It's not a very good lulaby is it?" the redhead answered.

"It's a good song, plus it's like one of the only songs I know because I can't afford a radio and it's playing in the mall all the time" Kenny defended. "I need a beyonce" he smirked. "You wanna sing the next part?"

Kyle usually would have said no, he liked to think he was the sensible, mature one of the group. However the baby was still crying and if he didn't get it to stop soon the poor doll would have his mom to answer to. Plus he may have more sense than the others but he didn't want to appear boring.

Kyle walked over to Kenny and stood beside him so that they were both gazing down at the doll. Kyle cleared his throat "Um..." he paused to remember the lyrics "... Boy the way you blowing up my phone won't make me leave no faster, put my coat on faster, leave my girls no faster." He slowly got into the song , luckily Kyle had an amazing memory, so it was easy for him to recall the words. "I should have left my phone at home, 'cause this is a disaster. Calling like a collector, sorry I cannot answer-er..."

Kenny jumped in straight away with ga ga's part "Not that I don't like you I'm just tryin' to party and I am sick and tired of my phone ri-ringing..."

Then Kyle took over on beyonce's line "Sometimes I feel like I live in grand central station, tonight I'm not taking no calls 'cause I'll be dancing..."

Kenny chimed in "I'll be dancing"

Kyle repeated "I'll be dancing"

Both sang together, completely forgetting about the doll and getting into the song "Tonight I'm not taking no calls 'cause I'll be dancing! Stop calling! Stop calling! I don't wanna think anymore..."

Kenny: "I left my head and my heart on the dancefloor."

Both: "Stop calling! Stop calling! I don't wanna talk anymore..."

Kyle: "I left my head and my heart on the dancefloor."

"Eh, eh, eh-" Both boys froze in horror and started blushing profusely when they realised that Kyle's thirteen year old brother was stood in the doorway, holding his camera phone and laughing hysterically.

"Oh my god that was priceless!" Ike chuckled. "You do realise that the doll stopped crying like two seconds after Kyle started singing right?" The boys just blinked at him in confusion. "That was so fucking funny, seriously you guys can't dance!"

"We were dancing?" Kenny asked in bewilderment.

Ike sniggered even more "Yeah dude, you were doing some sort of weird thrusting thing and Kyle was flinging his hair around like he was part of a Loreal advert." Kyle turned a deep, dark shade of crimson. "Oh man, this is definitely going on you tube!" Ike said walking off down the hallway.

"Oh my god" Kyle groaned, sitting on the edge of his bed and burrying his head in his hands. "So embarrasing."

"Don't worry about it dude" Kenny said, taking a seat next to him with the doll still in his arms. "No one's going to watch it." Kyle simply replied by lifting his head out of his hands and glaring at the blonde sat next to him "Ok, ok. So maybe everyone will watch it and maybe we'll be the laughing stock of the entire town for the rest of the year-"

"Not helping" Kyle interrupted.

"But we got the child to stop crying didn't we?" Kenny pointed out. "That's more than most of the others have been able to do."

Realisation swept over the red head's face "Yeah, I guess so."

"So Cartman was wrong" Kenny stated.

"Don't sound so surprised Kenny it's not the first time that's happened" Kyle smirked. "How did you get so good at parenting anyway? No offense but you should be crap at things like that, you seem so irresponsible."

"Dude, Kyle, you're forgetting that I have a younger sister. My parents probably couldn't even look after a rock and they're always too drunk to care anyway. So I took care of her instead, I don't know I guess when you're on your own looking after a little kid at a young age you have to grow up quite quickly, you pick up a lot of things as well. Like how to change a diaper, or how to sing them to sleep" he laughed, but it soon died out and was replaced by a more serious expression. "Everyone seems to have this image of me in their heads, that I'm careless and unreliable, but I'm not. Just because of they way I was brought up they seem to think I'm going to end up like my parents, I'm sick and tired of just trying to go along with what people expect of me. I want to pass my exams Kyle, I don't want to be my father."

Kyle suddenly felt bad for his friend, everyone has always wrote him off as a failure and he had to admit that he was one of them. _Well not anymore _Kyle thought to himself _Things are going to change._

**...****Wendy's house...**

Four days! It had been four days! And Wendy and Cartman's 'son', Jack hadn't stopped crying since she brought the doll home from school on friday!

A distraught Wendy walked over to her bedroom mirror, still rocking the doll in her arms to try and stop the damn thing. As she caught sight of her reflection she let out a noise of disgust, she looked terrible, but then she hadn't slept in ages so it was understandable. Her purplish blue eyes were dull and lifeless, slightly bloodshot, with deep dark rings under them. Her normally sleek and glossy long, charcole coloured hair was now greasy and knotted, probably from where she had been pulling at it in frustration and had been so busy stressing out that she had forgotten to wash. She had gone way past the point of strangely resembling a certain twitchy blonde, who also pulled his hair but for an entirely different reason. She hadn't bothered to take care of her appearence out of exhaustion since the second day and had just been walking around in the same old, baggy grey t-shirt with food stains and sweatpants, she looked awful... and that's putting it nicely.

Wendy had tried everything, absolutely everything, to get the baby to stop crying. She had fed it, changed the diaper - they were extremely lifelike dolls- and cuddled it to the point where she would be choking the poor kid if it was real. She was hanging by a dangerous thread, just one more thing had to push her and she would definitely snap. "Ok! I get it! You're fucking sad!" she yelled, not caring about the microphone. "Mr Garisson, just for when you listen to this recording. Congratulations! I'm officially put off the idea of having a kid now! Seriously, this is actually making me consider having my uterus removed, _**me**_, the one who's supossed to be all feminist and shit, I'm actually hating the fact that I'm a woman right now!"

Wendy couldn't take it any more, tears started to cascade from her eyes, throwing the doll on her bed she screamed "I HATE YOU JACK! I FUCKING HATE YOU!" Then she gasped as she felt a pair of hands grab her shoulders and spin her around.

She was met whith the dissapointed face of Eric Cartman. "Oh Wendy, you stupid ho" he tutted, shaking his head.

"What the hell are you doing here?" she snapped viciously, anger replacing her sadness.

"Your parents called me and told me you were having a breakdown over here so I came to help you" he explained.

"No" Wendy refused, shrugging his hands off her shoulders. "I'm fine by myself."

"Why won't you let me help you? I mean, no offense, but have you seen yourself lately?" There was a slightly agitated edge to his voice.

"I won't let me help you -uh, I mean you help me..." She paused to let out a loud yawn "...because you don't care."

"Bullshit!" Cartman said, anger now present in his voice. "I know I used to be a tiny bit immature." Wendy scoffed at the understatement. "But I've changed a bit, I'm not as bad as I used to be. So why won't you give me a fucking chance to prove it to you?" Wendy remained silent, giving Cartman an icy glare. "Why won't you stop being such a bitch?" the brunette snapped.

"WHY THE FUCK ARE YOU GETTING SO ANGRY?" Wendy suddenly screeched at him.

"BECAUSE I DON'T FUCKING GET WHY YOU WON'T LET ME HAVE ANYTHING TO DO WITH THIS!" Cartman copied the rise in volume.

"YOU WOULDN'T BE A GOOD FATHER CARTMAN!" she answered

"WHY?" he questioned, Wendy turned away as if she had said too much, only to be spun around again by the other teen. "GO ON! ENLIGHTEN ME, OH WISE ONE!"

"YOU REALLY WANNA KNOW WHY?" she yelled. Wendy had now gotten to the point where she was so wound up she couldn't stop, the stressful week she'd had, paired with Cartman's arguing had officially pushed her over the edge.

"YEAH I DO!" he replied.

**"BECAUSE YOU NEVER HAD A FATHER! THAT'S WHY!" **she bellowed. Instantly realising the severity of her words when the brunette boy stumbled backwards, as if he'd just been punched full force in the stomach, he clenched his fists as his eyes teared up. Wendy could tell that he was fighting the urge to cry. She didn't know why, but the fact that she had done that to him literally made her heart ache with regret.

She threw her arms around the boy starting to cry again "I'm so sorry Eric, I'm so sorry, I didn't mean it. I'm so sorry" she repeated over and over again, worried by the fact that Cartman hadn't hugged back yet and his posture still seemed tense. He slowly grasped her arms and removed them from around his waist, peeling her off him with ease.

"No you're not" he sniffed. She went to argue but he cut her off "And you're right" he said, his bottom lip quivering slightly. "How could I possibly know how to be a good father? I never had a dad." His voice cracked towards the end of the sentence and he sprinted out of the room, leaving Wendy alone with the doll once more, tears still dripping from her eyes as she stared at the spot where the brunette boy once stood. _That could have gone so differently_ she thought. She stood there for a second, wishing that she hadn't been so stubborn and that she'd just let him help. Then she colapsed backwards onto her bed, exhaustion claiming her body.

It was then that Wendy noticed that the crying had stopped. "Oh sure" she snapped. "Now you shut up." Then, against her will, her eyelids slowly closed for the first time in four days.

**A/N: The facebook groups on Kyle and Kenny's part were something me and my sister were joking about when my mum dragged us out food shopping. This was basically how it went:**

**Me: "Don't you find the whole 'Team Edward' and 'Team Jacob' thing kind of silly?"**

**Lydia: "No."**

**Me: "I mean that was ok but now it's like at the point where you've got twi-hards, twilighters, twi-shites, 'Team six pack', 'Team Cullen', 'Team Quilette'... I wouldn't be surprised if there was a 'Team Charlie'. It's just getting stupid in my opinion."**

**Lydia: "So are you Team Fat ass or Jewfro?" **

**Me: *Laughs* "Nah, I'm Team Parka... actually no... Team chullo." *Lydia gives me a confused look* "It's Craig's hat."**

**Lydia: *Rolls eyes* "Whatever."**


	4. Mr Garrison's plan

**A/N: I'm sorry this took so long to update this, I've been working on one of my other fics because I was so close to finishing it. It's done now so I can concentrate on this one, which is going to be a nice change because I get to do comedy. Anyways, I won't be leaving it so long to update next time and I hope you enjoy this chapter.**

It was the next day and all of the 'couples' had handed in their 'children' so that the audio recordings could be inspected over lunch, well... almost all of them anyway. Stan and Bebe had chosen to hide in the cafeteria, since their doll was now quite literally in pieces. The doll and its limbs were now lying on the table in front of them as they both stared at it in silence, wondering what to do about it. "Maybe we could... no that would never work" Bebe muttered to herself.

"I know" Stan said. "We could get some duct tape and-" but he was cut off by a glare from the blonde haired girl. "It was only a suggestion" he mumbled defensively.

"This was all your fault" she stated. "If you had just let me do this myself none of this crap would have happened."

"Yeah but after a while you probably would've gone crazy like Wendy has" he pointed out. "What's up with her anyway."

"I don't know, she won't tell me" Bebe admitted. "Besides I'm not Wendy Testaburger, I can handle it, I'm strong enough and capable enough to handle this myself."

"Why do you do that?" Stan asked, taking Bebe by surprise.

"Do what?" She replied with an extremely confused look.

Stan sighed "Ever since this whole thing started you've been talking about it like it's not just a project, you've been talking about that thing..." he nudged the broken doll with his index finger "...as if it's a real child. Heck, you even handle it like it's an actual baby. Why are you taking this so seriously?"

"I just really don't want to fail" she answered.

Stan didn't know whether to accept that as an explanation because Bebe didn't even sound so sure of it herself, but any protesting he was about to do was cut off by the piercing ring of the lunch bell. They had about five more minutes of silence before students began to pile into the cafeteria, Kyle and Kenny were the first of their group to enter the room. "Stan" Kenny called as they approached the table "Where the hell have you bee- Holy crap, Mr Garrison is going to murder you!" he exclaimed when he caught sight of the doll.

"How did that happen?" Kyle asked as the two took their seats.

"Ask Bebe" Stan huffed.

"Me?" Bebe questioned. "You're the one who wouldn't let go."

"No you were the one who wouldn't let go" Stan argued.

"It was your fault" Bebe snapped.

Stan sighed "Look do we really have to do this again?"

"Maybe you should both take the blame" Kyle suggested. "I mean it's only fair, since you were both involved."

"Why do you have to be so moral?" Bebe asked. There was a long pause before she finally caved "Fine. We'll take Louise to Mr Garrison together... after lunch."

"Dude" Clyde's voice came from beside Bebe as him and Token joined the group. "You two must have a death wish."

"Whatever Clyde" Bebe said. "It's not going to be that bad."

"Oh really?" Clyde quirked a brow. "Because if I remember correctly, I had to pay for the damage done to 'school property' when I broke one of those evil little gremlins..." he gestured towards the doll "...which got me grounded since I had to borrow money from my parents and on top of that I won't be getting out of detention until I leave this school. Last time I checked Mr Garrison wasn't the most understanding teacher around, so what makes you think he's gonna go easy on you?"

"Shut up Clyde" Stan snapped. "It's not going to be that bad, you're just over exaggerating things again."

**...**

Turns out Clyde wasn't over exaggerating.

The second Stan and Bebe put their doll on Mr Garrison's desk and explained what happened, he slammed his hands down on the desk in a fit of rage. "Sit your stupid, useless asses down now before I rip your limbs off and see how you both like it!" he said through gritted teeth. Stan and Bebe rushed back to their seats because... well... angry Mr Garrison isn't pretty. In fact he looked so crazy at that moment that they didn't doubt the fact that he might actually carry out his threat.

"You're pathetic! All of you!" Mr Garrison yelled at an incredibly surprised looking class. "You know what? I was actually thinking that this would be easy, you managed to look after your eggs well enough. It's like when I want it to go wrong it goes right and when I need it to go right it all falls apart! Why is it that you have to do the opposite of what I want you to do? Sometimes I could just brutally murder you, seriously."

"Hey" Butters chimed in. "You sound just like my dad."

"SHUT THE FUCK UP BUTTERS!" Mr Garrison practically screamed at him. He took a second to calm down "You know what? I'm not going to waste my breath telling you how crap you are, I'm going to humiliate you by playing some of the recordings."

The whole class went into a state of panic then, hoping and wishing pointlessly that their tape wouldn't be played. "Craig Tucker and Tweek Tweak" Mr Garrison called out, causing the blonde to make a jumpy, anxious noise and Craig to shrug uninterestedly. "This is on Tuesday evening." The ancient teacher hit play on his computer screen and turned the volume on the speakers up.

_"Would you just shut up already? fucking wuss" _Craig's voice echoed around the room._ "Your crying is scaring Tweek asshole!"_

_"Nnngh Craig!" _Tweek's voice scolded._ "Don't -gah- flip the baby off!"_

"Oh Jesus!" Tweek exclaimed, he turned in his seat to face Craig. "I-is that -ack- really what my voice sounds like?" he whispered.

Craig chuckled "Yeah, it is."

"Jesus! It's a wonder that nobody's tried to murder me! I sound so -nngh- annoying!" he stated. "H-how do you put up with that?"

"Actually I think it's pretty cute" Craig blurted out before he could stop himself - thank god he was whispering and no one else heard that. Both teens blushed and Tweek had a quiet spaz out as the recording continued to play...

_"Would you just shut the fuck up?" _a now quite angry Craig snapped.

_"You h-have to -gah- be gentle with a kid when they're crying Craig" _Tweek's voice instructed. _"You're just gonna make it cry more if you swear and yell at it and then we'll have social services to deal with and the government will come to take us away and-"_

_"Tweek, I know what I'm doing ok?" _Craig sighed._ "Emma, if you don't shut up right now I'm divorcing your mommy!"_

_"WHAT?" _Tweek screeched. _"OH JESUS! GAH! WHY AM I THE MOM?"_

_"Do you really have to ask Tweek?"_Craig deadpanned.

_"I CAN'T BE THE MOM, THAT'S TOO MUCH PRESSURE!" _Tweek argued.

_"Well you are, so just deal with it" _Craig answered. _"That's it, I've had it with this stupid lump of plastic."_ There was a rustling noise as Craig picked up the doll.

_"W-what are you doing?"_Tweek asked nervously.

_"I'm going to lock Emma in the basement until she stops crying" _Craig answered calmly, followed by a door slamming.

The recording finished and the other students all stared at the raven haired guy "What?" he shrugged. "I only did what all of you must have thought about doing at some point."

Mr Garrison ignored the teens and carried on with his rant "Since we've all already witnessed Kyle and Kenny's horrific version of a lullaby on you tube I'm gonna play a recording of something that happened a little later on that day." Both the blonde and the redhead shrunk into their seats, blushing furiously as the other kids sniggered. Mr Garrison sent a silence inducing death glare to the class as the second recording started to play...

_"Kyle... baby crying... your turn" _Kenny yawned, by then the doll had cried a total amount of six times.

_"Ok" _Kyle answered. _"Wait, where is it?"_

_"Fuck" _was Kenny's clever response, he sounded a lot more alert though. _"I forgot where I put the damn thing."_

_"Kenny!" _Kyle scolded. _"I trust you with the thing for five minutes and you go and lose it!"_

_"Dude chill out, it's all good, we can follow the crying sound" _Kenny answered. After that there were a series of shuffling noises, followed by an extremely loud bang, a shattering noise and a distant cry off _"Owwww! That mother fucking hurts!" _before a thudding noise.

_"Kenny? What was that?" _Kyle panicked.

No reply.

_"Kenny? Are you ok?"_

No reply.

_"Kenny, fucking answer me already."_

No reply.

_"KENNY! WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN THERE?"_

A loud gasp and some coughing was heard _"I'm ok!" _Kenny called weakly. _"I just got impaled by a falling plate again! No big deal, I'll go get the mop and clean up the blood."_

_"Kenny, why would the doll be in the kitchen cupboard?" _Kyle sighed exasperatedly.

_"Well, kids can get into anything when they're little."_

_"It's a doll Kenny, it doesn't crawl around like a normal person. Besides, you can barely reach that cupboard yourself, what makes you think a kid could get in there?"_

There's a long pause, followed by _"Whatever."_

_"Found it!" _Kyle called. _"What the hell was it doing buried under a mountain of pillows?"_

_"Oh yeah" _Kenny said. _"That's right, I tried to suffocate it 'cause I thought y'know... if it can't breathe it can't cry."_

The recording finished. "See?" Craig said calmly. "I'm not the only one using the 'tough love' approach."

Once again the teacher ignored Craig "This last one is absolutely appalling, if it wasn't for the fact that my new car is on the line I would have given you a big fat F right this second... Wendy Testaburger."

The class gasped and started whispering about how they thought Wendy was the smart one, the raven haired girl just stared guiltily at her desk. As the recording began to play she glanced across at Cartman, who was looking down at his desk with a sad, almost embarrassed expression. She hated herself for what had happened, but she just didn't know how to apologize because sorry was something she'd never said to the brunet boy before, usually he deserved whatever he got... this time it was different. It felt weird enough apologizing after she'd said it, and he hadn't accepted it anyway, so she just didn't know what she could do to make it right again.

Both teens visibly flinched when they heard Wendy shout _**"BECAUSE YOU NEVER HAD A FATHER! THAT'S WHY!"**_and when the recording finished, the rest of the class were just staring, wide eyed with shock. Wendy had never felt so ashamed of herself.

"Jesus Christ Wendy!" Stan exclaimed, breaking the silence.

"That was totally harsh dude" Kyle stated. "Even I wouldn't go that far."

Before anyone else could speak Mr Garrison interrupted "Now I'll tell you what we're gonna do" he said. "We're gonna forget that this week ever happened. From the moment I hand those dolls back to you this is no longer just a project, this is real. You will treat those dolls as if they are real babies and I will be checking on them three times a week, not just Friday. From now on you are going to act like real couples, you will pick one of your houses and the other person will be living with you until this is over. You're going to literally eat, sleep and breathe this project." Mr Garrison instructed "Oh, and if I find anything slightly off in those recordings you will be sent to Mr Mackay for couples therapy. Is that clear?"

"Dude" Stan said to Kyle. "He must really, really love his car."

"Totally" Kyle replied.

"I SAID IS THAT CLEAR?" Mr Garrison bellowed.

"YES MR GARRISON" the students chorused.

"Good" he replied. "Now let's try this again shall we?"

Jesus! Mr Garrison has officially lost it!

**...Kyle's house...**

"Oh hey Kenny" Sheila Broflovski greeted as she swung the front door open to see the blonde teen stood on the porch with a shoulder bag containing all of his clothes. She quickly turned to look in the living room mirror and started putting on some lipstick, leaving Kenny to let himself in. "Gerald and I are going out tonight with some old friends. I asked Kyle to baby sit for them, you don't mind helping do you?"

"Of course not" Kenny replied with the winning smile he uses to charm people's parents. "Where's Kyle?"

"He's upstairs" Sheila replied.

Just as the blonde teen was about to ascend the stairs, the front door swung open again and a little girl -about six years of age- with blonde ponytails and bright, blue eyes bounced into the hall "Oh my god! You're that internet man! That one who sings and does funny dancing!" she giggled.

"No way! The you tube guy is here?" a black haired, brown eyed boy, the same age as the blonde girl questioned, popping his head in through the doorway. This started a chain reaction of kids, who seemed to appear from nowhere, running into the hall. They jumped and clapped excitedly chanting "Sing! sing! sing!" While all of this was going on Gerald and Sheila took their chance to sneak out of the front door.

Kyle began to make his way down the stairs "What the hell is going o-"

"It's the other you tube man!" one of the kids gasped and pointed.

"YAY! YOU TUBE GUYS!" the kids chorused. Then they went back to their chanting "Sing! sing! sing! sing!"

Kenny looked up at Kyle, who was still stood in the middle of the stairs and quirked a brow. Kyle answered him with a shrug and a grin.

**...(Cartman's house)...**

It was way, way too quiet.

It was so quiet, in fact, that both teens could hear the tap dripping in the upstairs bathroom whilst they were downstairs in the living room. Eric's house had been enveloped in an eerie silence ever since Wendy had turned up. The only words they had said to each other were:

"Hey"

"Hi"

Then:

"Is it my turn to take care of the doll, fatass?"

"Yeah I handled it last time, ho."

In a way Wendy preferred it when they were arguing with each other, at least then they were actually talking when they did that. Also the time went by a hell of a lot quicker when they were arguing because they had something to distract them. Whereas during Cartman's out of character silent treatment, all they did was sit on his couch staring at a blank TV screen as the minutes dragged on like hours. On top of that there was so much tension in the atmosphere around them that it was almost a tangible object.

Cartman forced a stretch and a yawn "Well, it's getting late, I'm going to bed."

"It's six thirty" Wendy argued half-heartedly.

"I know that" he stated. "I'm just... really, really tired." Then he left before the raven haired girl could even think of a reply.

Wendy let out a loud sigh and a stray tear made it's way down her cheek, she had no idea why but she cried like... ALL THE TIME since she had that argument with the brunet the other day. When they were hostile towards each other she knew that at least there was some sort of weird, twisted friendship between them, but this? It was torture, there was absolutely no emotion, no feeling in the way the brunet spoke to her. She had to do something, anything to get things back to normal.

But what?

**... Tweek's house ...**

Craig had decided that it would be best if Tweek stayed in his own house, since the blonde had stated on several occasions that he was afraid of Craig's younger sister now that she was going through a gothic phase. To be honest Craig was also just happy that he would be escaping his family for a while, they could be sooo annoying at times.

Emma started crying a little while after they'd had dinner "I'll sort it out" Craig sighed, leaving Tweek in the kitchen to make his coffee. He walked over to the couch where they'd left the doll "What do you want?" he asked a little angrily.

"C-Craig!" Tweek scolded, walking into the room slowly with his arm held as far away from him as possible because he was paranoid that he would spill the scolding hot liquid on himself. This was probably the most rational fear Tweek had because... well... it was Tweek, the most unsteady person on the planet. "The microphone is on so -gah- be nice, I don't want to have to face the wrath of Mr Garrison. Y-you would be alright, you can run, you could get away, b-but me -nngh- he would kill me in a second man!"

"Tweek" Craig sighed, picking up the doll's bottle. "Mr Garrison isn't going to kill you, if he did I would kill him."

"Oh Jesus! But then you'd be in prison! My soul can't have that on it's conscience! It's too much pressure!" Tweek panicked.

"Don't worry about it Tweek, it's not going to happen" Craig reassured him. "I won't let it."

The blonde relaxed slightly, then he realised something "Uh -nngh- Craig?"

"What?" Craig answered.

"Emma doesn't need a drink, she had one last time she cried" Tweek pointed out.

"Oh, but then-" Craig paused to think. "Oh you've got to be kidding me" he blurted. "No way am I changing that" he refused, pointing at the diaper with a bored look, but the blonde knew him well and could see that there was also a small hint of disgust on his features. When Tweek didn't say anything the raven haired boy let out yet another sigh "Fine." He began to peel the diaper off, he was being a bit over dramatic considering that it was only water because this was a doll and not a real baby after all.

However as he reached over to get a new diaper the doll peed again, the water hitting Craig square in the face. Craig jumped backwards, spitting and coughing as he landed on his butt "Fucking gross!" he cursed. "Girls aren't supposed to do shit like that Emma" he scolded, flipping the doll off whilst wiping his eyes on his sleeve. When he looked up he saw a rare sight. Tweek was laughing so hard that he was actually, literally rolling on the floor laughing. In fact, Craig decided it was more like a cute, hysterical giggle and even though he told himself that he would try not to think of Tweek that way he couldn't help but find it adorable.

Tweek's laugh soon became infectious and Craig soon found himself doing something that a) He'd never done before in his life and b) Was entirely out of character for him. Tweek froze in shock, his giggles halting completely when he heard the foreign, deep, musical sound "C-Craig?" he asked in absolute bewilderment. "Nngh are you... laughing?"

That one question caused the raven haired boy to gasp and slam his hands against his mouth, he nodded slowly with wide eyes. _Oh my god _he thought. _Is that what laughing feels like? _For just five measly seconds Craig had finally let go. The walls he'd built had all been shattered. He had shown an actual, real emotion other than bored or uninterested. He was completely vulnerable for the first time in his life ever. He was so open, so uncontrolled and so free and... it actually felt good. In just a few minutes the blonde had got him to completely let his guard down and at that moment that fact had scared him more than anything.

On the other side of it Tweek was feeling pretty confused too, he'd never heard his best friend laugh before. In fact the only emotion he'd ever seen Craig show was anger and that was in third grade when they had that fight. Whilst a small part of Tweek was screaming 'RUN! YOU'RE BEST FRIEND HAS BEEN POSSESSED BY LITTLE, GREEN ALIENS! THEY WANT TO EXPERIMENT ON YOU! GET AWAY FROM HIM WHILE YOU STILL HAVE ALL OF YOUR LIMBS!' a bigger part of him was intrigued... entranced even by the musical sound of Craig's laugh.

"Dude you should -gah- laugh more often" Tweek blurted before he could stop himself. "It suits you."

**... Kyle's house...**

"Yay!" the kids all clapped once the sixth song -in a row- had finished. "Sing another one! Sing another one!"

"No, you have to settle down now" Kenny instructed with a warm smile as Kyle walked towards the kitchen, looking down at his phone and frowning. "Your mommies and daddies won't want you all going home all hyper now will they?"

"No sir" the kids chorused, shaking their heads in perfect synchronisation as Kenny switched singstar off.

"Do you want to watch a movie?" he asked.

"Yeah!" the children clapped. "Horton hears a who! Horton hears a who! Horton hears a who!"

"Ok, ok" Kenny answered, putting the DVD on and pressing play. Once they were all quietly watching the movie he went to the kitchen to find Kyle. "What's-"

Kenny was cut off as Kyle put a hand up to silence him, he had his phone pressed to his ear and was getting more and more annoyed "Look Clyde! I told you I have no idea what you're talking about!" There was a pause as the person on the other end answered him. "We didn't make another one, we didn't even make the first one." Another pause. "It has how many hits?" Pause. "That's not possible... unless... oh I'm gonna kill him!" Kyle angrily slammed his finger against the hang up button. "He taped the whole thing!" he yelled at the blonde.

"Who taped what whole thing?" Kenny asked, even though he already kind of knew the answer.

"Ike filmed the singstar marathon and put it on you tube with the other video" Kyle explained. "I'm gonna go upstairs and murder him, we have enough time to ditch the body before my mom get's back."

"Wait!" Kenny stopped him. "Don't get angry at him."

"Why not?" Kyle snapped. "The whole town has seen that video! A bunch of kids who don't even really know what you tube is just asked us for our autographs! What if this thing gets as big as Butters' butt sex song did? What would we do then huh?" Kenny didn't answer. "You don't know do you?" The blonde still didn't answer. "So why the hell shouldn't I be mad at him?"

"Because..." Kenny said with a grin. "...when something like this happens you don't get mad... you get even."


	5. Explosives are bad, mmkay?

**A/N: Sorry it took so long to update, it won't be as long next time, I promise.**

**... Mr Mackay's office...**

"Do you boys have any idea why you're here, mmkay?" Mr Mackay asked as he watched the two teens from behind his desk. Christophe and Gregory were sat opposite Mr Mackay, the French boy slumped in his chair with a bored expression on his face and the Brit looking slightly less comfortable with the fact that he was in trouble. After all a person with an achademic history like his had a reputation to uphold. Neither of the boys answered the counsellor "Mmkay then, I'll show you."

He pressed the play button on a tape player, which was on the edge of his desk and gregory's voice echoed around the office:

_Christophe, get that damn thing to stop crying! I am trying to concentrate here!_ Gregory scolded.

_I 'ave no idea 'ow to sweetch zis theeng off _Christophe replied.

_It doesn't have an off switch Christophe! _Gregory informed. The whole time they were talking there was an odd ticking noise in the backround, like a clock or something.

_Well zen can't you deal wiz eet? _Christophe asked

_I would deal with it myself, but I am trying to defuse a bomb at the moment _the Brittish boy explained. _If anyone hears it our whole mission will be compromised, so get it to stop crying now!_

_I told you we should 'ave left eet at 'ome _Christophe mumbled.

_Ok, there's no time, we're just going to have to run before this whole building explodes on top of us _Gregory instructed calmly.

The tape ended with the sounds of incredibly quick footsteps then a deafening boom. When Mr Mackay pressed stop on the tape the room slipped into silence for a few moments, Gregory and Christophe sharing a concerned glance. Wondering if they would have to bribe or maybe even kill the school counsellor and Mr Garrison so that their secret, double life would remain a secret.

Mr Mackay let out a disappointed sigh "Now you see boys, the thing about bombs is... explosives are bad, mmkay. You shouldn't mess around with explosives. And if you ever find one again you need to tell a grown up, mmkay? You can't just go defusing bombs without adult supervision... because it's dangerous to you and anyone who's nearby at the time. Do you understand what I'm trying to say, mmkay?"

Both teens let out a sigh of relief, of course Mr Mackay wouldn't think anything was odd about it, the adults in this town were stupid and oblivious. "I understand" they both responded.

"Mmkay then, that's all settled, you can go now. Just remember what I said mmkay?" Mr Mackay stated.

"Mmkay" the teens chorused as they left the room.

Mr Mackay was about to take a well earned nap when the door flung open again and a familliar face walked into the room. "Mmkay have you done this time?" he huffed.

"Nothing" he defended, beginning to pace around the room in a frustrated manner. "I need to ask you something."

"Mmkay... well... take a seat" Mr Mackay instructed.

Craig sat down, he paused to think for a few seconds, figuring out how to phrase his question. "So, hypothetically... if someone went around their whole life showing none of their feelings whatsoever. What does it mean if one day someone gets them to show actual emotions?"

"I don't quite understand what you're getting at mmkay Craig" Mr Mackay stated.

Craig let out a frustrated groan "Ok, so I have this friend and he usually just goes around shutting everyone and everything out, he likes people to mind their own damn business and leave him alone."

The raven haired boy couldn't believe he was doing this. If anyone had told him about three or four days ago that he would be sat in Mr Mackay's office using the 'I have this friend' line to indirectly talk about his problems he probably would have flipped them off and then maybe gave them a black eye for good measure, but now here he was. It's not like he hadn't tried anything else, he'd tried everything, running away, ignoring his thoughts, you name it. This was his absolute last resort because ever since the laughter incident, Craig had been unable to hold his emotions back when he was around Tweek. It was getting ridiculous, he had actually come close to crying at the sad part of a movie they were watching the other day and Craig Tucker never cries. It was like he had reverted back to being a pre school kid - no, it was worse than that because the raven haired boy could never even recall being that emotional at that age either.

"Mmkay I understand so far" Mr Mackay nodded.

"Ok so then one day this friend of mine started showing his feelings, but not to everyone, just to one person in particular. Then it was like he'd turned on this big emotion tap or something because he couldn't hold his feelings in around that person anymore. My question is, what would that mean? Why would that happen?"

Mr Mackay took a few moments to think it over "Well in that kind of situation, I'm guessing that your friend feels like they can trust that person and so he is comfortable with opening up to them. That person must be someone pretty special to him."

"Yeah, they are" Craig muttered. Then he snapped out of his thoughts "Wait, so how do I - I mean how does he stop it, if he doesn't want it to happen anymore?"

"Well, short of shutting that person out of his life completely... I don't really see any way it can be stopped" the counsellor answered.

"But then he would be miserable" Craig argued.

"Yeah, he probably would mmkay" Mr Mackay responded.

"So it's either be an emotional wreck or be miserably depressed?" Craig questioned. "What kind of choices are they?"

"Se here's the thing about emotions Craig... emotions are complicated mmkay, they're complicated and messy and they often cause people hurt. Mmkay? But they're also part of being a human, without them you'd never know happiness or love or-"

"But I don't love Tweek, he's just my friend" the teen blurted before he even realised what he was saying. "I mean - fuck. Um... I'm gonna just leave." Craig ran out into the hallway before Mr Mackay could even think of a reply, not that he could think properly after what he had just heard.

Craig sprinted through the halls, not caring if there was still thirty minutes of school left, he just needed to think. Why the hell did he automatically mention Tweek when Mr Mackay had mentioned love? He didn't love Tweek... did he? And what was he gonna do now anyway? There was no way he was gonna shut Tweek out of his life, but he also hated the fact that he no longer had control around the blond, that he couldn't reign his feelings in like he used to.

Craig was so focused on getting the hell out of there that he didn't see the wildly twitching, outstretched legs until he tripped over them and landed flat on his face. He slowly pushed himself onto his knees and whipped around, about to curse at whatever idiot decided to trip him up when the angry expression plunged from his face in an instant, replaced by a look of sheer panic. Tweek Tweak was on the floor, his back against the lockers as he writhed around in pain and clutched at his throat, which looked kind of swollen. In fact, now that Craig was paying more attention, he realised that the blond's face was also quite puffy.

"C-Craig?" Tweek choked out. "Something's wrong... I can't... breath... gah! c-call... an ambulance" he said between gasps. The raven haired teen was at Tweek's side in an instant, he pulled out his cell phone and dialed 911 as fast as he possibly could, his fingers frantically stumbling over the keys. When the woman answered it took every inch of his self control not to hang up and carry Tweek to the hospital himself, she was taking way too long with all the questions and he just wanted to get help for his friend. When the call was finally over, the blond was trembling uncontrolably, about ten times as fast as he usually did.

Craig lifted Tweek into his lap so that he was cradling him slightly, grabbed hold of an unbelievably shaky hand -even for Tweek- and tried to keep him calm and conscious by smoothing his thumb across the blonde teen's palm. "It's ok" he stated. "They'll be here soon."

Tweek looked at his friend with big, terrified, hazel eyes and inhaled sharply before whispering "I'm scared Craig." To tell the truth Craig was scared too, more terrified than he had ever been in his life, Tweek was way too pale and weak looking and he didn't like it one bit. Also the blonde teen's neck was now a bright crimson colour and blotches of a darker scarlet colour were starting to appear. Craig had no idea what was going on at that moment, he had a complete lack of control over the situation and it was all beginning to freak him out.

By then the shuddering had subsided considerably, which scared the raven haired boy even more because Tweek was now having to fight to stay awake. The blond's head dropped back limply "TWEEK!" Craig called, shaking him frantically. Tweek's head snapped back up as he tried to force his eyes open "Don't you dare" Craig snapped sternly. "You can't just give up, fight it" he ordered. "Think of something to talk about, anything, just stay awake."

"Nngh- my dad has almost decided which coffee flavour to use" Tweek croaked, his throat sounding like he'd drank a massive cup of nails and sandpaper.

Normally the black haired teen would have zoned out, like he usually does when Tweek starts talking about coffee -which is a lot- but today he was just over the moon that the blond was able to respond. "Yeah?" he replied, sounding a little choked up as he clutched his best friend in his arms. "What is it? " he asked to try and keep the conversation going.

"It's between hazel nut and..." Tweek drifted off momentarily, only to have Craig shake him again. "... and that cinnamon one you liked."

"Which one do you think it should be?" the raven haired teen questioned.

"I like the cinnamon too." Tweek's voice was almost a whisper by now, but he continued. "I haven't stopped drinking it, it's my new -ack- favourite."

It was at this point that Clyde strode into the hallway, halting immediately when he saw the others "Holy shit!" he gasped. "What's wrong with Tweek?"

"Clyde!" Craig let out a sigh of relief. "Go get Mr Mackay."

"Ok but-"

"JUST FUCKING GO ALREADY!" he snapped. Clyde was a little shock at Craig's sudden outburst, but he nodded and took off in the direction of the counsellor's office.

...

Mr Mackay ran a hand through his hair in exasperation as he tried to explain, for the third time, why Damien was in the wrong. "You see Damien, what Pip's trying to say here is that... you need to be less hostile with the baby mmkay. You can't just go throwing it around everytime it starts crying."

"Indeed" Pip agreed. "Although, I am definitely not trying to say that you're an inadequate father in any way. You could just be a tiny bit more kind to our child."

Damien huffed and folded his arms "I'm the son of the Devil, I can do whatever I want to that stupid lump of plastic."

"Mmmkay" the counsellor answered as he paused to think. "And is this somehow connected to the way your father brought you up? I understand that you can't have had a very normal upbringing mmkay, maybe your father's parenting style has been passed on to you."

The dark haired teen rolled his eyes "Look, I don't need you analysing me ok? This is just a dumbass project and it has nothing to do with real life."

"I also understand that your father is homosexual mmkay" Mr Mackay continued, ignoring Damien. "Do you think maybe that on some level you can't except that fact and you're not trying to make this work because you resent being paired with a male?"

"Oh I do hope that's not it" Pip exclaimed. "I wouldn't want to upset you Damien, you being my chum and what not."

"Ok" Damien sighed. "Let's get this straight, you are not my chum, buddy, pal, friend, mate or whatever other things you Brits call it. You are the most infuriating person I have ever met. I. Don't. Like. You." Pip's face fell as Damien continued to rant. "And as for the fact that my dad is gay, he-"

The door flew open -cutting Damien's sentence short- to reveal a worried looking, out of breath Clyde. "Mr Mackay..." he paused to catch his breath. "...Tweek...Craig...need help... follow me" was all he managed between gasping for air. Both of them set off down the hall again.

When they reached Craig and Tweek the blond was being wheeled out of the building on a stretcher, Craig following closely and refusing to let go of the other teen's hand "I'm going with him" Craig explained to the others. "Call his parents" he instructed.

"Mmkay" Mr Mackay responded, turning to walk towards his office once more.

Then something in Tweek's locker caught Clyde's eye... his thermos. The brunet picked up Tweek's thermos realising that it was still full. "Wait!" he called. Craig turned to face him with a confused expression etched across his features "Tweek will be looking for this when he wakes up" Clyde explained, holding out the thermos.

The raven haired boy walked towards him, taking the thermos out of his hands and staring at it for a few seconds "Thanks Clyde" he said, giving Clyde the first genuine smile that he'd ever seen on Craig's face. Then he ran back towards his blond friend as the paramedics continued to wheel him towards the exit.

...

By home time, everyone knew what had happened and were already spreading rumors that it was Craig's fault or that the school cooks had poisoned his lunch or that Tweek had rabies and attacked Craig, and then there was the town's personal favourite: Tweek had finally lost it and they had taken him away in a straight jacket.

However there were two teenagers who hadn't heard yet. Kyle and Kenny had taken the whole day off school to set up their prank to get back at Ike. They were sat in the tree outside Ike's window, waiting for him to arrive home from school. "Are you sure you set the camera up properly?" Kyle asked anxiously. "Is the other baby monitor hidden well enough?" he continued. "Did we-"

"Kyle" Kenny stopped him. "Stop worrying, everything is fine." The blonde boy put a comforting hand on his friend's shoulder causing Kyle to blush slightly, which luckilly went un noticed.

Kenny had been doing that a lot lately, finding any excuse to touch the redhead, he hoped that the Jewish boy had just put it down to them becoming closer as friends and hanging out more. The truth was that Kenny was surprised that someone was actually paying attention to him for once, actually bothering to ask if he was ok, actually listening to what the blonde had to say. Now that Kenny had a taste of what is was like to have someone care about him, he just wanted more of it. Therefore it made sense to him to pay as much attention as possible to the Jewish teen without taking it to a stalker-ish level because Kenny knew that you don't get anything for nothing and if he wanted to be heard, he was going to have to listen too.

"You're right" Kyle sighed. "It's just, I've never tried to get revenge on Ike before. It not the same as Cartman, Ike can tell my mom and then I'd probably be grounded for the rest of the year."

"You're starting to sound just like Butters" Kenny chuckled, almost falling off the branch before Kyle grabbed his arms to steady him. A long awkward pause followed where the redhead refused to let go of Kennys shoulders, the blonde's lips slowly twitched upwards into a grin. "You do realise that you could have just let me fall, I would have been back in a few minutes."

Kyle slowly let go of his shoulders "Yeah, but it can't be nice dying all the time. I think you deserve a break for once dude."

The smile on Kenny's face instantly dissappeared. Ok so that took Kenny by surprise, no one had ever cared about him dying before, not even his own parents cared. Why should they? He does it so often that it's a more normal occurance than snowfall in South Park. So when Kyle said that it took him a few minutes to decide whether he'd heard it right or not. Once he realised that Kyle in fact had actually said it a smaller, less confident smile etched itself onto his face "Thanks" he muttered.

"Your wel-" Kyle froze when he felt Kenny's fingers brush a strand of hair out of his face. "Uh... Ken? What are you doing?" The blonde also froze as the reality of what he was doing swept through him, but he just couldn't seem to move his hand, like some kind of invisible force -too strong for him to fight- was holding it in place. Instead he lowered his palm to rest on the redheads cheek, swinging his right leg over the branch so that he was facing Kyle straight on. Kyle mirrored this action shooting a look of confusion and concern, slightly tinged with fear towards the other teen. "Kenny?" he asked.

"I don't know?" Kenny answered with a shrug, his ocean blue eyes locking on the redhead's lips. "I just..." He edged closer, noticing that both of them were finding it a bit more difficult to breath. "I wanted to..." his other arm snaked around the Jewish teen's waist. "... do this" he finished, going in for the kill...

...only to be interrupted with a cry of "WHAT THE FUCK?" from Ike's bedroom window, causing Kenny to jump and lose his balance. The blonde fell from the tree, dragging Kyle with him and landing on the pathement with an almighty thud followed by a sickening snaping noise as the redhead landed on him.

"Kenny? Oh my god! Kenny? Are you ok?" Kyle panicked.

Kenny smiled weakly at him "Well, that didn't work out the way I planned" he croaked. "Ugh, I think I just punctured a lung with one of my ribs, hang on..." he tried to move. "AHHH! SHIT!... Yep, it's definitely punctured."

"I'm so sorry" Kyle apologized, he felt terrible that he was the cause of Kenny's pain, his emerald eyes started to well up with guilty tears.

"Hey, hey. Kyle, it's ok" Kenny soothed, wiping out an escaped teardrop with his thumb. "I'm not going without this though" he stated before pressing his ice cold lips against Kyle's warmer ones.

Despite the situation and the fact that Kyle could literally feel the blonde slipping away beneath him, the pressure of his lips becoming weaker with each passing second, the kiss still sent bolts of electricity shooting through both teens bodies. Eventhough Kenny was dying, he'd never felt more alive, he'd always heard people say how it's different kissing someone you cared about, but he'd never believed them until now. On the other end of it Kyle was beginning to think that maybe he was wrong to be cynical before - thinking that this kind of thing only existed on the big screen. Who knew that it not only existed, but was there all along, right in front of him?

After what felt like hours - but was actually just minutes- the two broke apart, sapphires meeting emeralds as they became locked in eye contact. "You wanna go do something when I come back?" Kenny asked in a voice that was hardly more than a whisper.

"You mean like a date?" Kyle asked.

"Yeah" the blonde replied.

A grin spread across the redhead's face. Only Kenny could ask someone on a date in the middle of dying "Sure" he responded. "But I think that maybe I should get off you now, I can only imagine what people might think if they saw me lying on top of a corpse."

The blonde let out a pathetic excuse for a chuckle as kyle rolled over and pushed himself into a sitting position next to him. However, Kenny instantly started to panic when the possibility of Kyle leaving him there washed over him. "Stay with me" the blonde pleaded, starting to feel extremely lonely.

Kyle looked slightly surprised by those three words at first, he had never seen Kenny so scared of dying before, but after a few seconds he nodded, reaching out and grabbing the blondes hand. Kyle kept his promise, staying with Kenny until he let out his last shuddering breath, smilling at how peacefull the blonde looked lying against the snow, his thick, black eyelashes firmly pressed to the pale -almost blue- skin on his cheeks.

**... Hell's Pass...**

Coma: four letters that caused Craig's whole world to feel like it had been tipped upside down. "Your friend is in a coma, all we know is that it started with an allergic reaction" the doctor had said.

"What caused the allergic reaction?" Craig had questioned, wondering if this was all just a really fucked up dream or not.

"We're not certain,we need to run a few tests first" was the only answer he had gotten.

He had then stayed by Tweek's side, refusing to leave the room and flipping off anyone who asked him to. He clutched the now limp and lifeless, slightly feminine hand of his best friend in his, noting how perfectly they fit together. Nothing about this was right, Tweek should be a twitchy, paranoid ball of caffienated energy... not a pale, dull, completely still, incredibly breakable looking shell of a person.

He didn't even care where that stupid doll was or whether they would fail the project. He just wanted to go back a few hours so that he could se his Tweek, the Tweek that only ever smilled or laughed around him, the Tweek that wasn't surrounded by wires and pipes and all kinds of beeping shit that apparently meant he was still -barely- alive, the Tweek that was deadly afraid of underpants gnomes, the Tweek that... he loved.

"Huh" Craig sighed, stroking the back of Tweek's too cold, too pale and way too still hand with his thumb. "I finally realise that I'm in love with you and I can't even tell you because you might be dying... figures."


End file.
